Calcutta, I am a Taxi Driver in.

"Eden Gardens has an exclusiveness of its own. Ethereal and elusive the enduring charm of Eden Gardens has lent an aura of its own on cricketers past and present, young and old, competitive and friendly. Endearing and enchanting, the emerald green carpet and the earnest crowd have held tough men in flannels spellbound."

This time however, the ones left spellbound are men in dhotis and women in white sarees with red border.

I loved the ICC verdict. I really did. I would rate it equivalent to Pakistan players not being included in the IPL. It's a slap on the face of CAB, nay Kolkata. And to quote Dr. Dang, “Kolkata ko pehli baar kisi ne thappad mara hai. First time. Is thappad ki goonj suni tumne? Ab is goonj ki goonj sunai degi."

The first reaction of the ICC not deeming Eden Gardens fit for the match against England was that of righteous indignation. How dare they? How can you ignore Eden Gardens? The Jewel of Cricket in India. As it turns out, the Eden currently looks very much like a Karunamoyee junction where the work for Metro is full on. It's a dumping yard. A week after the fiasco, it looks no closer to completion than it did that fateful day the verdict was delivered and the CAB had its ass handed back to it. At least the IOC got its act right after a few reporters paved the way, nitpicking on every detail that was missing from Delhi’s repertoire of infrastructure readiness for the Commonwealth.

This brings me to the greater problem at hand, that of attitudes and indifference, that of laziness and procrastination, that of ignoring development for the sake of hanging on to a supposed tradition that no one gives a damn about any more. The first reactions when a friend of mine posted that Calcutta has a long distance to cover before it shows any signs of development, was met with a vehement “No it’s not Calcutta’s fault, It’s CAB’s.”

True! TATA Nano factory not being setup is not Calcutta fault, it’s Mamata’s. Metro Project’s humongous delay is not Calcutta’s fault, it’s KMRC’s. Kolkata’s Airport modernization programme not coming even close to that of Mumbai or Delhi is not Calcutta’s fault, it’s AAI’s.

Who are in these agencies? Who are these people? If they are not what makes up Calcutta, I don’t know who does. Please, show me the developed Calcutta and the developed Calcuttans. Where are they hiding? Will they come out during the Pujas to throng the streets?

It’s time to wake up to facts. Blaming government will only get you so far. Ever wondered why each and every project running in Kolkata is either a. Delayed b. Stalled c. Scrapped d. All of the above? It’s because for everything, people have a government body or political figure to blame.

How can they drop Eden? Nahh they won’t. It’s the oldest cricket ground in India after all. It’s the best ground to play in. We’ll get it ready before the eve of the first match. Forget that the approach road is going to be messed up, that the cushioned seats will not be in place, the restrooms will not have fittings, the VIP boxes will basically be empty outhouses. Once the match starts, everything will be forgotten. Newsflash! The rest of the world does not share your views. It’s an increasingly meritocratic arena, where your loss will be somebody else’s gain. You can no longer simply Hope to get by, and get by on the basis of you being culturally significant.

Now, let’s forget for the time being what the actual 'ground' reality is. At least the verdict tells you what the outside world thinks of Kolkata. Stop politicizing petty issues and get your ass back to work. At least it would be the first step towards eliminating the 10 year lag that Kolkata has trailing the rest of Indian Metros.

I need a Status, Stat!!

OMG, I totally, like, ROFLed when I read ur FB status.Oh BTW, you SUCK!!
I think I've had it with lameass status updates. Can't take 'em anymore.

1. Impossible means I'm Possible.

Of course you are possible! The very fact that you have a 2x2 in this world to live in, you waste the oxygen by your breathing, that your parents toiled to create you, that you have the minimum education of being able to use ctrl-C ctrl-v, should also make you realise what the end result of procreation is. Hell, what with the whole population crisis that we are having, I wish you, in particular, were not possible.

2. XYZ is very sad :'(

Well boo-fuckin-hoo. There is an invention called the telephone. And then some smart ass has gone ahead and made mobile communication possible. Even an auto-rickshaw driver has a mobile phone (better than mine, I might add). I refuse to believe your friends don't have a cellphone. Call them, talk to them if you're really sad. It'll feel loads better. Stop trying to garner more attention.

3. Man, when the clock strikes three, the bamboozles will while down in their philharmonic and the melodrama of the Indianapolis will cancel out the monogamy.

So you have what...300 friends on your list? And this message will be understood by what...3 of them?? Seriously, all this will get you, is some loser asking you what this means. Or one of the 3 replying with a \m/ or a :) or (this one is the worst) ;)
The last one basically means, "Hey man, smart status!! No one is gonna understand that but us. Awesome! It's our secret lingo. FBI won't even know what we are up to -wink wink- ".
What it actually means, "We don't have a life outside the 3 of us. Good you posted this so that we feel a little self-important for a while. I'm so lonely. You want to sleep over tonite -wink wink- ? "

4. 'Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get.'
Did you serve in Vietnam? Can you play ping pong with both your hands? Can you run like the wind? You're not Forrest Gump. Nor the movie's scriptwriter.

5. "Insaan + NITIE = Insanity !!"
Dude!! That was good. Brilliant. Original. Total 3 likes, and one comment saying "Good One".Too bad some chick is going to update her profile pic and 60% of facebook traffic worldwide will divert to her page to Like or Comment on it. Newsflash : Liking a pic won't get you into her trousers.

Yaaron...dosti...

आज तुमने फ़ोन काटा तो एक बात मन में आई ...

जब तुम टेलेफ़ोन किया करते थे , मम्मी फ़ोन उठा के कहती थी की वो पढ़ाई कर रहा है , बाद में फ़ोन करना । मुझे मन ही मन बहुत गुस्सा आता था । पर अब तुम्हारा फ़ोन काटने से पहले मैं दो बार सोचता भी नहीं हूँ ।

कल तुम मेरे मोपेड के पीछे बैठने को बेकरार रहते थे क्यूँकी तुम्हें पेट्रोल बचाने में शायद बहुत मज़ा आता था। आज तुम मुझे अपनी कार में शहर की सैर करवाते हो । पर एक बात बताओ, क्या आज भी उस ट्यूशन वाली बंदी को देख कर उसके पीछे अपनी गाड़ी दौड़ाओगे ?

कल हम हर चीज़ पे मधुबन की ट्रीट लेते थे । तुम्हारे 1st आने पर 30 रुपये का डोसा खा के हम कितना खुश होते थे । आज तुम्हारी तरक्की पर 5 स्टार होटल के रेस्तरां में ट्रीट लेके भी दिल तुम्हारे लिए ख़ुश कम , अपने लिए दुखी ज़्यादा होता है ।

कल मैं तुम्हे कितने ही झूठ बोलता था । अपने कितने ही किस्से नमक मिर्च लगा के सुनाता था । और तुम उनका विश्वास कर लेते थे । आज तुम्हारे पास अपनी ही कितनी कहानियाँ होती हैं । शायद अब तुम मेरी बातों को सुनते भी नहीं ।

कल जब हमें मुश्किल से एक दूसरे के घर Contra और Mario खेलने के 3 घंटे नसीब होते थे , अपनी चांस का इंतज़ार करते हुए दिल कैसा बेचैन रहता था । आज भी दिल PS3 पर games खेलने के बाद बेचैन रहता है , क्यूँकी शाबाशी देने वाला कोई नज़र नहीं आता ।

कल क्रिकेट खेलते हुए जब तुम मुझे टीम सेलेक्शन के वक़्त चुनते थे , हर बार गर्व से सीना चौड़ा हो जाता था । फिर कभी नहीं हुआ ।

कल मैं तुम्हारे घर के सामने आकर तुम्हे आवाज़ देता था । तुम्हारे घर के बगल वाली आंटी भी सोचती थी की तुम काफी आवारा हो । आज भी उस आंटी को हम दोनों की याद आती होगी ना ?

खुश रहना इतना मुश्किल कब बन गया ?

यार , तुम फ़ोन ना काटा करो........