Rockstar kam, Popstar zyada

What did you expect from the movie?

The journey of a rockstar? 

This movie will make you sick...to your core 2 duo. Here is what the problem is. Too many movies today are based on flimsy storylines, email forwards and chetan bhagat books. So here comes our writer and director...reads up a few wikipedia pages on the life and times of Kurt Cobain, and to cover up, puts Morrison as the poster boy for a movie which is so full of shit, that the rockstar should have been one of the contestants at KBC this season. It's embarrassing. And please consider this as an apology to the real rockstars who are out there. This movie is an insult to your life and our intelligence.

The entire movie could have been summarised in one of the sob stories on Indian Idol...I kid you not. And would have garnered zero sympathy/empathy votes. For someone who has movies like Apocalypse Now to appreciate mental degeneration, and people like Syd Barett for real life rockstars, this movie is the heights of lame. The guy doesn't show a hint of degeneration...no change in mental faculties...just an idiot blubbering away. How do they show his angst? He shoves a couple of reporters. Shoves!! For the love of God. 

His cries of pain seem to ome from constipation rather than heartbreak.

Are you serious with the Record company stereotype and manager stereotype? Deals over Samosas? Massage laughter and everything? Fucktards.

Music next. Sadda Haq is good. End of story. Mohit Chauhan rocks....in Tum Se Hi from Jab We Met. Fizzles in this movie. Voice sounds forced, and definitely a misfit for Ranbir. A.R.Rahman, tum to aise na they...

For all of you who think Ranbir Kapoor was 'so good' as the rockstar, please back it up with reasons and thereafter, do not talk to me. 

Which brings us to the real rockstar. Nargis Fakhri!! Oh celluloid brilliance... She Arjun Rampal's sister? That punjoo chick from Yamla Pagla Deewana was loads better, cuter, hotter.

Oh Genelia, thou hast competition.

You are almost there folks

Congratulations on getting this far. All that is left for you to do, is to leave your team name in the comments section, and you are done!!!


Hurry up!!

@Non-CBC folk: Do not pay any attention to this post. Office Purpose Wonly.

Titanic 2 has already hit theaters!!

Here is how the whole crossover from movie 1 to movie 2 happened.

Funniest Scene Ever. Period.

Here is the world's funniest monologue ever. 

The transcript of Rajat's monologue in the Movie Pyaar ka Punchnama. Did a google search but found nada. With deciphering help from the missus.

Chaudhry: Ye tera Neha ke saath kya chal raha hai?

Rajat: Kyun Kya hua?

Chaudhry: Wo aayi thi subah.

Rajat: Kya boli?

Chaudhry: Yehi ki tu baat nahi kar raha hai and all that. Kya, problem kya hai?

Rajat: Problem, Problem ye hai ki wo ladki hai. Aur kya problem hai. Problem ye hai ki main chahta hun ki meri life mein koi problem hi na ho, lekin agar meri life mein koi problem na ho na, ye uski life ki SABSE badi problem hai. And bullshit she's worried yaar. Use to celebrate karna chahiye, because isn't this exactly what she wants? Seriously yaar aajkal jab wo muh kholti hai to mann karta hai muh mein hi kuch thoons dun. Trust me yaar 6 maheene mein I've had it all. Sab dekh liya maine. Abey kaun sa pyaar, Kaisi relationship, kahe ki khushiyaan? Relationship ka matlab hi ye hota hai an end to your own happiness.Uske baad, all you got to worry about is uski khushiyaan, uska birthday, uske KUTTE ka birthday, Uska new year jo kabhi tumhara bhi new year tha. 

In ladkiyon ko na, koi khush nahi rakh sakta. A happy woman is a myth. Tu batman waali ko dekh le. Saala jab tak Batman nahi bana, tab tak bolti rahi "Tum to kuch karte hi nahi ho, nakara ho, napunsak ho, main tum jaise insaan ke saath kaise reh sakti hun, aur jis din bechara batman ban gaya, uss din boli "Tum to BATMAN BAN GAYE ?!? Mujhe to ek normal insaan hahiye tha,main tumhare saath kaise reh sakti hun?" Sab saala kahaniyon ka dosh hai. Bloody bollywood romantic masala, ek ladka ek ladki dono ko pyaar hua dono saath saath film khatam. Iske baad ki story koi nahi batata. Iske baad ki kahani main batata hun. Iske baad ladke ne ladki ko 2 din hug nahi kiya, to problem. Hug kiya, to chep ho rahe ho, itna bhi accha nahi lagta.

Saali Shopping khatam nahi hoti inki. Pehle cushions aaye, phir curtains aaye, phir cushions curtains se match nahi kiye, to aur cushions aaye. Saale mug itne hain mere yahaan ki bechne jao to maheene ka kharcha nikal aaye. Ek to jo cheez khareedne jaengi wo cheez khareed ke nahi aengi. 2 hafte dimaag chatengi ki 'Table lena hai table lena hai', 5 ghante mall mein bita ke ek sadi si chappal utha ke le aegi. aur phir agle do hafte dimaag chatengi ki table lena hai table lena hai.

Office mein kaam kar raha hun. Phone ajaega. Phone uthate hi bol deta hun baat nahi kar sakta. Kitna mushkil hai baat samajhna? "Do min kar loge to kya ho jaega?". ARREY DO MIN KAR LUNGA TO TUJHE KYA MIL JAEGA MERI MAA, thik se to kar paunga nahi. Aur iske baad I love you bole bina phone kaata to naatak. Sabse zyada dimaag ki dahi iss mobile phone ne ki hai. Katai ghatiya invention hai saali. Conspiracy hai patta hai saala patta. Ek to, unke ad ko hi dekh lo na, "Lo ji, ek paise per second, aur phone karo aur phone karo." Arrey call sasti ho jaane se baat thode hi na badh jaati hai karne ko? Phir iska jawaab unhe bhi do. "Tumhare paas baat kyun nahi hai karne ko? You have lost interest in me. Tumhe hmm hmm hi karna aata hai na to maine phone kyun kiya??" Arrey meri maa mujhe kya pata tune mujhe phone kyun kiya, JAAKE BHARTI MITTAL SE POOCH NA! 

Tujhe main bata raha hun, uss ad mein na, woh kutta nahi hai kutiya hai. Seriously, shart laga sakta hun. Wherever you go, we follow. 

Tujhe kya lagta hai, Columbus ko pata nahi tha wo India nahi jaa raha, wo galti se pahunch gaya?? Nahi. Usko pata tha. Wo bechara to kahin duur jaana chahta tha. Biwi ke chakkar mein bolna pada ki India ja raha hun. Nahi to 10 sawaal poochti, "Kahan Jaa rahe ho??" "Kyun Jaa rahe ho?" "Accha?!? Tumhe pata bhi nahi kahan ja rahe ho??" "Seedhe seedhe kyun nahi bolte mujhse kahin duur jana chahte ho?" Aaj tak bechare ka mazaak udati hai duniya.

Office mein kaam kar raha hun, SMS ajaega, I love you. Thik hai main bhi sms kar deta hun, I Love you too. Iske baad, SMS pe SMS shuru. Abey kaam kya karti hai office mein? Do sms ka reply mat karna, turant phone aega. Phone mat utha, to 10 min mein message aa chuka hoga, 'I don't think it's working any more.' 10 min mein 'Babu I love you' se 'I don't think it's working any more.' And this is when they're not even downn..

Ab pata chala ye aadmiyon ko itne heart attack kyun aate hain aur ye...ye...ye (Gesturing Gays) yehi bande itne successful kyun hote hain. Because they don't have a woman to screw their happiness na.

Log kehte hain na, that behind every successful man is a woman, TRUE! But koi ye nahi batata ki behind every unsuccessful man ALSO there is a woman. Aur ye to koi bhi bata sakta hai na, ki unsuccessful logon ki tadaad, successful logon se kai guna zyada hai iss duniya mein?

Saala office mein kaam kar raha hun. Keh raha hun late ho jaunga, to khaana nahi khaegi, phir bhookhi so jaegi. Arre main keh raha hun kha lo, to dikkat. Kya karun naukri chhod dun? Phir saale ghar jao pehle inhe manao inhe khilao, inke baad khud ki bhookh to vaise hi mar jaati hai. Iss sab ke baad bhi agar insaan kisi tarah kone mein jaake shanti se baitha hua hai chupchaap, to kya? Ghadi ghadi, "Kya soch rahe ho? Kya soch rahe ho?? Kya soch rahe ho???" AREY KUCH NAHI SOCH RAHA MERI MAA YE SOCH RAHA HUN TERA MUH KAISE BAND KARUN?? Kya soch rahe ho - Camera laga dun dimaag mein?? ISs sab ke baad "We never talk, we need to talk, I don't think it's working any more." 

Main tujhe bata raha hun, you can never discuss anything with a woman. Because they call it a discussion, but any discussion with a woman is an argument. Aur argument mein to boss tu unse jeet hi nahi sakta. Because hum aadmiyon ki ek basic need hoti hai, to make sense in an argument. Ladkiyon ko koi fark nahi padta. Sense jaisi bekaar si cheez ki wajah se wo argument kaise haar jaen? ek to aaj ki baat ka argument aaj hoga hi nahi, aaj ki baat pe jhagda hoga do maheene baad. Kya saala yaad bhi nahi hota hai ki 2 maheene pehle hua kya tha. Ladkiyaan bacha ke rakhti hain. Ye chhota hathiyaar nahi, ye bada hathiyaar hai, ise badi ladai mein use karenge.

Tu kabhi try kar liyo khud ko sahi saabit karne ki. Tujhe lag hi raha hoga ki iss point se, tu apni baat ko saabit kar lega, lekin tabhi ek awaz aegi "Ungli neechey karo". Tune dhyaan bhi nahi diya hoga lekin teri ek naadaan si ungli unki taraf point kar rahi hogi and suddenly the whole argument will flush down the gutter and mudda ye reh jaega 'How dare you point a finger at me'. Kisne bola ye dude, Kisne?? Saala wo beech argument mein tujhe joota phenk ke maar de to koi dikkat nahi, lekin tum unki taraf ek ungli point kar do, saara mudda khatam, wo sahi tum galat?? 

Shaadi ke pehle, shaadi ke pehle wo naagin been (gesturing shehnai) kyun bajta hai, hain, kyun bajta hai? Kyunki na bandwala bhi na tumhe chetavni de raha hota hai ki kaun araha hai tumhari zindagi mein. Unka signature tune hai wo.

Ab ye bata, wo kya karne ai thi tere paas yahan? Same cheez main karun to? Uski kisi friend to call karke apni problems ginaun to? Kahegi "Accha, tumne meri friend ko call kiya? Hmmm, tum unki sympathy gain karna chahte ho? WHY DON"T YOU GO AND SLEEP WITH HER"?? It's RIDICULOUS YAAR.

Chaudhry: Wo ungli waala mere saath bhi hua hai.

Yaar, Ye Ho Kya Raha Hai???

PS: Thanks Sarthak.

Vicky Christina Barcelona

I understand why Vicky can be a funny nickname on a guy. But this is heights if you are in Bongoland.
This is what I am talking about. Here is my Gtalk screen after a guy named Arindam (They're all named that!) pings me.

 
 By the power of Greyskull, let's also have a look at his very own Gtalk Page.

 I rest my case.

(Big Thank You to Awesome Dawsome Sarthak for letting me borrow his identity, his time and an insight into what kind of mails he gets. And Rockstar Swamy Atul, who makes his Debut on my blog in pictorial capacity.)

Galti se mistake ho gaya

I was going to post a Dhobi Ghaat review. But as I read through it, I found it had no substance.
Here is what I found though. Kudos to Times of India editors.

SMS Lingo, thou #win again.

Calcutta, I am a Taxi Driver in.

"Eden Gardens has an exclusiveness of its own. Ethereal and elusive the enduring charm of Eden Gardens has lent an aura of its own on cricketers past and present, young and old, competitive and friendly. Endearing and enchanting, the emerald green carpet and the earnest crowd have held tough men in flannels spellbound."

This time however, the ones left spellbound are men in dhotis and women in white sarees with red border.

I loved the ICC verdict. I really did. I would rate it equivalent to Pakistan players not being included in the IPL. It's a slap on the face of CAB, nay Kolkata. And to quote Dr. Dang, “Kolkata ko pehli baar kisi ne thappad mara hai. First time. Is thappad ki goonj suni tumne? Ab is goonj ki goonj sunai degi."

The first reaction of the ICC not deeming Eden Gardens fit for the match against England was that of righteous indignation. How dare they? How can you ignore Eden Gardens? The Jewel of Cricket in India. As it turns out, the Eden currently looks very much like a Karunamoyee junction where the work for Metro is full on. It's a dumping yard. A week after the fiasco, it looks no closer to completion than it did that fateful day the verdict was delivered and the CAB had its ass handed back to it. At least the IOC got its act right after a few reporters paved the way, nitpicking on every detail that was missing from Delhi’s repertoire of infrastructure readiness for the Commonwealth.

This brings me to the greater problem at hand, that of attitudes and indifference, that of laziness and procrastination, that of ignoring development for the sake of hanging on to a supposed tradition that no one gives a damn about any more. The first reactions when a friend of mine posted that Calcutta has a long distance to cover before it shows any signs of development, was met with a vehement “No it’s not Calcutta’s fault, It’s CAB’s.”

True! TATA Nano factory not being setup is not Calcutta fault, it’s Mamata’s. Metro Project’s humongous delay is not Calcutta’s fault, it’s KMRC’s. Kolkata’s Airport modernization programme not coming even close to that of Mumbai or Delhi is not Calcutta’s fault, it’s AAI’s.

Who are in these agencies? Who are these people? If they are not what makes up Calcutta, I don’t know who does. Please, show me the developed Calcutta and the developed Calcuttans. Where are they hiding? Will they come out during the Pujas to throng the streets?

It’s time to wake up to facts. Blaming government will only get you so far. Ever wondered why each and every project running in Kolkata is either a. Delayed b. Stalled c. Scrapped d. All of the above? It’s because for everything, people have a government body or political figure to blame.

How can they drop Eden? Nahh they won’t. It’s the oldest cricket ground in India after all. It’s the best ground to play in. We’ll get it ready before the eve of the first match. Forget that the approach road is going to be messed up, that the cushioned seats will not be in place, the restrooms will not have fittings, the VIP boxes will basically be empty outhouses. Once the match starts, everything will be forgotten. Newsflash! The rest of the world does not share your views. It’s an increasingly meritocratic arena, where your loss will be somebody else’s gain. You can no longer simply Hope to get by, and get by on the basis of you being culturally significant.

Now, let’s forget for the time being what the actual 'ground' reality is. At least the verdict tells you what the outside world thinks of Kolkata. Stop politicizing petty issues and get your ass back to work. At least it would be the first step towards eliminating the 10 year lag that Kolkata has trailing the rest of Indian Metros.

I need a Status, Stat!!

OMG, I totally, like, ROFLed when I read ur FB status.Oh BTW, you SUCK!!
I think I've had it with lameass status updates. Can't take 'em anymore.

1. Impossible means I'm Possible.

Of course you are possible! The very fact that you have a 2x2 in this world to live in, you waste the oxygen by your breathing, that your parents toiled to create you, that you have the minimum education of being able to use ctrl-C ctrl-v, should also make you realise what the end result of procreation is. Hell, what with the whole population crisis that we are having, I wish you, in particular, were not possible.

2. XYZ is very sad :'(

Well boo-fuckin-hoo. There is an invention called the telephone. And then some smart ass has gone ahead and made mobile communication possible. Even an auto-rickshaw driver has a mobile phone (better than mine, I might add). I refuse to believe your friends don't have a cellphone. Call them, talk to them if you're really sad. It'll feel loads better. Stop trying to garner more attention.

3. Man, when the clock strikes three, the bamboozles will while down in their philharmonic and the melodrama of the Indianapolis will cancel out the monogamy.

So you have what...300 friends on your list? And this message will be understood by what...3 of them?? Seriously, all this will get you, is some loser asking you what this means. Or one of the 3 replying with a \m/ or a :) or (this one is the worst) ;)
The last one basically means, "Hey man, smart status!! No one is gonna understand that but us. Awesome! It's our secret lingo. FBI won't even know what we are up to -wink wink- ".
What it actually means, "We don't have a life outside the 3 of us. Good you posted this so that we feel a little self-important for a while. I'm so lonely. You want to sleep over tonite -wink wink- ? "

4. 'Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get.'
Did you serve in Vietnam? Can you play ping pong with both your hands? Can you run like the wind? You're not Forrest Gump. Nor the movie's scriptwriter.

5. "Insaan + NITIE = Insanity !!"
Dude!! That was good. Brilliant. Original. Total 3 likes, and one comment saying "Good One".Too bad some chick is going to update her profile pic and 60% of facebook traffic worldwide will divert to her page to Like or Comment on it. Newsflash : Liking a pic won't get you into her trousers.

Yaaron...dosti...

आज तुमने फ़ोन काटा तो एक बात मन में आई ...

जब तुम टेलेफ़ोन किया करते थे , मम्मी फ़ोन उठा के कहती थी की वो पढ़ाई कर रहा है , बाद में फ़ोन करना । मुझे मन ही मन बहुत गुस्सा आता था । पर अब तुम्हारा फ़ोन काटने से पहले मैं दो बार सोचता भी नहीं हूँ ।

कल तुम मेरे मोपेड के पीछे बैठने को बेकरार रहते थे क्यूँकी तुम्हें पेट्रोल बचाने में शायद बहुत मज़ा आता था। आज तुम मुझे अपनी कार में शहर की सैर करवाते हो । पर एक बात बताओ, क्या आज भी उस ट्यूशन वाली बंदी को देख कर उसके पीछे अपनी गाड़ी दौड़ाओगे ?

कल हम हर चीज़ पे मधुबन की ट्रीट लेते थे । तुम्हारे 1st आने पर 30 रुपये का डोसा खा के हम कितना खुश होते थे । आज तुम्हारी तरक्की पर 5 स्टार होटल के रेस्तरां में ट्रीट लेके भी दिल तुम्हारे लिए ख़ुश कम , अपने लिए दुखी ज़्यादा होता है ।

कल मैं तुम्हे कितने ही झूठ बोलता था । अपने कितने ही किस्से नमक मिर्च लगा के सुनाता था । और तुम उनका विश्वास कर लेते थे । आज तुम्हारे पास अपनी ही कितनी कहानियाँ होती हैं । शायद अब तुम मेरी बातों को सुनते भी नहीं ।

कल जब हमें मुश्किल से एक दूसरे के घर Contra और Mario खेलने के 3 घंटे नसीब होते थे , अपनी चांस का इंतज़ार करते हुए दिल कैसा बेचैन रहता था । आज भी दिल PS3 पर games खेलने के बाद बेचैन रहता है , क्यूँकी शाबाशी देने वाला कोई नज़र नहीं आता ।

कल क्रिकेट खेलते हुए जब तुम मुझे टीम सेलेक्शन के वक़्त चुनते थे , हर बार गर्व से सीना चौड़ा हो जाता था । फिर कभी नहीं हुआ ।

कल मैं तुम्हारे घर के सामने आकर तुम्हे आवाज़ देता था । तुम्हारे घर के बगल वाली आंटी भी सोचती थी की तुम काफी आवारा हो । आज भी उस आंटी को हम दोनों की याद आती होगी ना ?

खुश रहना इतना मुश्किल कब बन गया ?

यार , तुम फ़ोन ना काटा करो........